I feel like a different person to the one I was a few days ago. Recent happenings have changed me and I don’t know what to do.
But I know what I want.
I want to trust my husband again. I want to make our marriage work. I don’t know how either of those things can happen, but maybe for now it will be enough that I want them to.
Trust is a tricky business. I read an article that spoke about how it is human nature to trust people, but once trust is broken it becomes difficult. I think that’s true. Babies are completely trusting of adults. Before I’d been betrayed in a relationship, I was completely trusting. Now, I have immense issues.
How can I ever trust again? In another article I read it spoke about how we choose not to trust people and put up barriers around our hearts as a defence mechanism, but in reality all we’re doing is depriving ourselves of the joy of healthy human relationships. By making ourselves vulnerable and choosing to trust, we’re allowing ourselves the chance to feel the joy and happiness of a relationship, as well as risking the pain.
That’s life, I suppose. Surely it’s better to experience good as well as bad, rather than enclosing ourselves in a shell and becoming bitter and hollow? I don’t know.
I wish my husband had never been unfaithful to me. I wish none of it had happened. I wish I knew who I was and where I stood. I wish I felt secure in my marriage. I wish I wasn’t so overwhelmed by the prospect of life.
I feel a mess inside. And I feel that horrible hopelessness that just drags you down. Hope and happiness seem to be just far-fetched concepts available to others, but not to me.
Black black black. Everywhere.