I’m a paranoid mess of anger and bitterness.

I’m laying here at half three in the morning because I can’t get back to sleep. All I keep thinking about is what my husband might be keeping from me.

Yesterday I found evidence on his phone that he’d been chatting with a couple of women and downloaded a few messaging apps as well as an app to hide the presence of other apps on your phone. I confronted him about it and he came clean, he says nothing has happened with these women and he was going to tell me, which I believe, but I’m so messed up now. I was having trust issues before and trying so hard to overcome it, but lately I’d been having this feeling that he’s been keeping something from me. And now I know he was, and what makes it worse is that when I asked him straight out a few times over the past few days whether there was something he needed to tell me he said no. He lied. Straight faced and easily.

He just flatly denied it, knowing as he did that it was dishonest, causing me to question my own instincts and gut feelings because I tried to trust him.

I’m so messed up.

I had one of the worst emotional breakdowns today that I’ve ever had. I cried and raged, I physically lashed out, I said terrible things. I don’t know who I am anymore and I don’t know where to go from here. I feel bewildered by what’s happened and confused as to how we got here. I don’t know how I can even hope to trust him again now, no matter how much I want to (because I do).

I honestly feel so hopeless. The world is so bleak and miserable. All I want is to escape from this horrible existence. The thought of facing even one more day of it, let alone a lifetime, is too overwhelming. I can’t do it. It’s too much to ask and I’m too broken.

Blackness everywhere. It’s suffocating me. One of these days I’ll just stop fighting for breath and let it take me. I don’t know why I’m still trying to be honest. What is there to feel hopeful about? A dark future and a dark present. Dark days and dark nights. Pain and anguish and paranoia and anger and hate. Anxiety. Depression. Oh, how I despise them. They have ruined my life.

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