I’m A Mess

I had a doctor’s appointment this morning. I’m finding them increasingly difficult and I’m not sure why. She’s a lovely doctor, I feel likes she cares and takes me seriously. I just find it harder every time to be completely open and honest. My husband doesn’t want me to tell her about his infidelity because it would make him feel uncomfortable, but that just puts me in a tough position. The doctor asks if I have any idea why my self esteem has taken a hit recently and I can’t answer specifically, even though I know exactly what the answer is and I could tell her in one short sentence. I hate hiding things from her, because I feel like she can’t help me properly if I am. But I also get why my husband doesn’t want her to know, because it would be awkward for him to ever see her about anything ever again.

Another thing my doctor said is that she knows I have it in me to recover from these mental illnesses, but I have to want to recover for that to happen. It took me by surprise a little, because of course I want to recover! Don’t I? I don’t know. Now I’m questioning it and I have no idea. I want to be free of this definitely, but I do feel hopeless about the reality of that happening. Does that constitute not wanting to get better? I don’t know.

I don’t know much of anything at the moment.

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2 thoughts on “I’m A Mess

  1. I would rephrase what your doctor said – it’s not that you have to want to recover (because who would want to live like this??), but you do have to believe that recovery is possible. If you harbour any negative thoughts like ‘I’ll never get better’, or ‘things won’t change’, they’ll act as self-fulfilling prophecies and keep you stuck where you are.

    But knowing that doesn’t necessarily make it much easier – I know that I hold control over my recovery process, and that whether it works or fails depends on me – but that’s not a fix in itself. It’s just a starting point for the work you do in places like therapy.

    Regarding keeping your husband’s infidelity secret from your doctor…my instinct is to say that if it puts you in such a difficult position, and interferes with your doc’s understanding of your issues, then you need to tell her. She’s bound by codes of conduct and confidentiality to a) keep it secret herself, and b) make sure your husband doesn’t know you told her. Obviously it would be better if you could openly tell your husband, but I can see why that’s not an attractive option.

    Bottom line: he is in the wrong. Too bad if it’s awkward for him – he shouldn’t have cheated.

    That’s my opinion anyway, by all means disregard!
    xxx

    • Yeah, I’ve definitely noticed that lately I feel very hopeless about the future. I don’t think I’ll ever get well again. All I see is this ahead of me. And for that reason I try not to think too far ahead. I deal with a day or two at a time.

      I know I need to tell my doctor, but if I do I’ll have to tell my husband. I can’t keep something from him because since his infidelity we both committed to be completely open. But I know I need to tell her. And I know I probably will. I’m just dreading it xx

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