I had a doctor’s appointment this morning. I’m finding them increasingly difficult and I’m not sure why. She’s a lovely doctor, I feel likes she cares and takes me seriously. I just find it harder every time to be completely open and honest. My husband doesn’t want me to tell her about his infidelity because it would make him feel uncomfortable, but that just puts me in a tough position. The doctor asks if I have any idea why my self esteem has taken a hit recently and I can’t answer specifically, even though I know exactly what the answer is and I could tell her in one short sentence. I hate hiding things from her, because I feel like she can’t help me properly if I am. But I also get why my husband doesn’t want her to know, because it would be awkward for him to ever see her about anything ever again.
Another thing my doctor said is that she knows I have it in me to recover from these mental illnesses, but I have to want to recover for that to happen. It took me by surprise a little, because of course I want to recover! Don’t I? I don’t know. Now I’m questioning it and I have no idea. I want to be free of this definitely, but I do feel hopeless about the reality of that happening. Does that constitute not wanting to get better? I don’t know.
I don’t know much of anything at the moment.