Thinking

I had a pretty deep conversation with my husband yesterday. I showed him a few of my recent blog posts because I find it easier that way, it gives him an insight into my feelings that we can then build a discussion on. He was very kind and very understanding. He wasn’t defensive. I felt awful for the way I knew I was making him feel, but he didn’t guilt trip me at all. I’m grateful for how he handled the intense feelings and thought processes I was sharing. I’m grateful that he listened and didn’t judge or patronise me. We both got a little emotional as he suggested that perhaps I should leave him for a time, because it’s clear I’m not happy. He said he doesn’t want me to go because he doesn’t want to be without me, but he wants me to be happy. I appreciated that, and I did seriously consider it. But I feel it’s best that I stay. I think I’d be miserable without him. For all our issues, he is my best friend and he gets me like no one else does. I’m also scared of leaving because there’s a big risk of not coming back. When my Mum first left my Dad, she just stayed with a friend. It felt temporary, like a time-out sort of thing. Space to think and clear the air. But the time stretched on and now she’s living in her own apartment and that feels a heck of a lot more permanent. I don’t want my marriage to end. I want to make it work. I know I need to be able to trust my husband again. I know there are going to be hard times. But I’m not giving up yet. I think there’s still hope for us.

Sorry for how unstructured this post is. I’m exhausted and I’m just kind of writing as I’m thinking. Rambling. Hopefully it makes sense.

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