I Defy It

It’s like a weight pressing down on me, whispering hateful words and cruel judgements, accusing and condemning. You’re not good enough. You’re a disappointment. You’re always a disappointment. You’re fat and you’re ugly and who could blame people for not loving you? It’s voices in my head repeating vicious mantras, voices of the enemy, except […]

Killing Instinct

Wading through the thick sludge that is my life, hating the pain and the impossibility of each step. Continuing anyway. Desperate for a reprieve, and yet every time I fall, every time I sink beneath the surface and become enveloped in killing darkness, instinct takes over and I thrash my way to the surface again. […]

I Love Living

This will be a happy post, because happy thoughts make a person feel good. I apologise if it’s boring for anyone, you don’t have to read it because it’s mainly for my benefit. I just want to cheer up a bit. I love my husband. I love my children. I love my sisters and my […]

Clifftop

I was hoping recovery would be a straight shot to the finish line, that once I’d started it would be easy and I’d be unstoppable. I knew I was wrong, but I still hoped. But unfortunately my hope was misplaced. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad that I’m making progress in certain areas of my […]

Anxiety and Depression Are Real

I honestly can’t remember what life was like before anxiety and depression. Was I always this introverted? Was I always so insecure? Was I always so afraid of going out? I’m now intimately familiar with fear and tension. I encounter them on a daily basis. The knot I get in my stomach when I’m stressed […]

Trust Issues and Paranoia

I’m sorry it’s been a few days since my last post. I’ve been finding it hard to get motivated to write about my feelings and I’m not entirely sure why. Things with my husband are going okay, aside from the trust issues that are crippling me right now. I desperately want to trust him, and […]

Fragile, But Good

Today has been overall a positive day. There have been low and stressful moments, but it’s been surprisingly good. For the first time in ages I exercised this morning which was so great. I found that it was a great release for my pent up tension. I put so much effort into it to really […]

A Fine Line

I don’t know where to go from here. I desperately don’t want a radio silence to form between myself and my Mum. I don’t want to abandon hope that my relationship with her can be fixed. But I just can’t talk to her right now. Thinking about her instantly triggers my anxiety, with reactions ranging […]

Life in Increments

I need to take life one day at a time. If I try to think about more than that, it quickly becomes overwhelming and reminds me how terrified I am of that future. But just one day…I can manage one day. So that’s all I’ll aim for. I’ll aim to get through just one more […]

Progress

So I haven’t posted in a few days, mainly because my husband’s been off work this week and he will be next week as well, so having him around has been a pleasant distraction from the norm. It’s been wonderful having him at home, especially as his holiday has included our anniversary (last Monday) and […]