If You Look Hard Enough

I’ve had quite a relaxing day so far. My husband let me rest a lot as I’m not feeling top notch, and he cleared up loads of the mess in the kitchen before he went to work. I’m so grateful. So now I’m just chilling out counting down the minutes until I need to get […]

State Of Mind

I had a doctor’s appointment today (unrelated to my mental health) and even though I felt on the edge of panic a few times sitting in that waiting room with strangers, I am proud to say I kept it under control, and without use of propranolol. I am making progress, I can see that, and […]

Clifftop

I was hoping recovery would be a straight shot to the finish line, that once I’d started it would be easy and I’d be unstoppable. I knew I was wrong, but I still hoped. But unfortunately my hope was misplaced. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad that I’m making progress in certain areas of my […]

Fighting Fear

I’ve been feeling incredibly low over the past few days. I think it’s because of my recent commitment to try my best to trust my husband again and turn over a new slate. As part of this I promised I’d do my best to stop checking up on him and searching through his phone and […]

I’m A Mess

I had a doctor’s appointment this morning. I’m finding them increasingly difficult and I’m not sure why. She’s a lovely doctor, I feel likes she cares and takes me seriously. I just find it harder every time to be completely open and honest. My husband doesn’t want me to tell her about his infidelity because […]

Perks Of Time Travel

I am unbelievably tired. And time is passing unbelievably slowly. I just want 6 o clock to arrive so I can put my boy to bed and have blissful peace. He’s at that cute but infuriating stage where he’s incessantly curious, playing with everything he shouldn’t. He scoots around the room exploring and I love […]

Drained

It’s been one of those draining days where I feel like I need about 15 hours sleep in order to recharge. I’m just exhausted in every way. My brain is telling me to just put my phone down and go to sleep, but I find it difficult to consider doing that. I don’t think I […]

You Want To Know What It Feels Like?

I have no idea how to be happy. Not really, truly happy. Not the kind of happy which endures. I have happy moments. And in those moments I feel that the rest of life’s rubbish is worth it for those few moments of calm contentment. But is it really? Should life be like this? Is […]

Disjointed Mess

I’m in a rut. I can’t continue life like this. It’s just too stressful, too hard. I can’t do it anymore. I don’t know what to do. I can’t bear all the tension and just doing the same thing practically every day, driving me mad, drilling into my skull the feeling of being worthless, pathetic. […]