Mad At The World

I am mad at the world
And the world’s cruel laugh
At the mockery
The ridicule
The joke that it makes of me.

I am mad at the world
And its cunning facade
At the sneer on its face
As it slanders my name
Ruthless and cold.

I am mad at the world
For all its trickery
And treachery
And tyranny
And pain.

I am mad at the world
So mad I could burst
With the anger and rage I feel
At the callous injustice
Of every day.

I am mad,
Oh, so mad
And I hate it
Every inch.

No Purpose

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Today is a low day. It’s like trudging through treacle, except falling doesn’t taste so sweet. I wish I could just sleep away the day, escape from the suffocating darkness. I wish I could look in the mirror and not be repulsed by what I see. On days like this I wonder what the point of me is.

Nothing

Ever have that feeling where you have a million options and yet you’re bored out of your skull? Snap.

I hate this intense lack of interest in life in general. I want to occupy myself, but feel like there’s nothing I want to occupy myself with. Eating is too much hassle. Watching something is too dull. Doing housework is too arduous. Sitting here alone with my thoughts is dangerous.

I wish I could snap my fingers and just cause my anxiety and depression to evaporate. Like, it’s been three years, it’s getting old now. Unfortunately it doesn’t work like that. Instead it’s a painful, agonisingly slow journey up a steep hill, trying to focus on the promise of a better view at the summit, but doubting such a place even exists.

Married Life

So on the bright side I managed to calm down enough to deal with my little girl last night. On the down side, I had a massive blow up with my husband this morning. We were both tired and said things we shouldn’t have, and even though he left for work on a good note (we agreed to put the fight behind us) I still worry that there are some issues festering underneath the surface. Maybe it’s just my lack of faith in marriage nowadays (my parents are getting divorced). I’m just swamped with insecurities and paranoia about my husband’s faithfulness to me. I’m convinced that if he’s not currently cheating on me, he will at some point because it’s inevitable. I feel like that’s what happens to everyone and that we will be no exception. I feel like our marriage will almost certainly end in divorce. What a joy I must be to live with! It must put a lot of strain on him, my constant lack of faith in us. It’s our third wedding anniversary at the end of the month, and three years is no mean feat. We’ve survived kids and anxiety and depression and infidelity and family issues and financial worries. And we’re still here. He still makes me laugh. We still tell each other we love each other. He still tells me I’m the most beautiful woman in the world. I still get excited about him coming home from work. We still hug and kiss and are affectionate. We’re honest with each other. We have a healthy sex life. So why, why, WHY does it feel so freaking hard?

Alone Alone Alone

Always alone when I need help. That’s what it feels like.

My daughter is crying in bed and for some reason I’m having a panic and it’s freezing me so I can’t go to her. She’ll wake up my son and then they’ll both be screaming. My husband was supposed to have finished work nearly 40 minutes ago but he hasn’t. I’m alone and I’m panicking and it’s not fair.

I Am Anxiety And Depression

I don’t like school holidays.

I love my kids, but I don’t like having to deal with them 24/7. And as my 4 year old girl is used to attending nursery full time she has a lot of energy to kill, which means hyperactivity, temper issues and disobedience. Argh. I feel like I’m not good enough as a mother. I can’t occupy these kids. I hardly play with them; no wonder they use naughtiness as a way to get my attention. I don’t take them out anywhere because I’m some kind of hermit-freak imprisoned by anxiety and depression. And they’re just as imprisoned as I am. No wonder they’re so high maintenance.

The funny thing is I’ve been pretty broody lately, thinking about having another baby and imagining what I might call it etc etc etc. Am I stupid? I can’t handle the two I have! What makes me think another one would make it any easier? I’m so stupid. I think it’s partly because my little boy is 19 months now and very much not a baby anymore so I miss it. I just need to keep it in perspective. Kids are hard. I’m not stable. I’m still on medication for crying out loud. I can’t get pregnant, or I’ll have to come off it, and that would be very bad.

I’m so stupid and these kids are driving me absolutely insane today.

Sorry about the mess this post is. I know it’s disjointed. I know it jumps around. I don’t actually care.

Ugh. Anxiety and depression. I feel like that’s all I am now. Those two words define me. They limit so much of my life and have eroded me so entirely that I’m really just a shell filled with blank nothingness. I’m empty. I’m anxiety and depression. That’s it.