Married Life

So on the bright side I managed to calm down enough to deal with my little girl last night. On the down side, I had a massive blow up with my husband this morning. We were both tired and said things we shouldn’t have, and even though he left for work on a good note (we agreed to put the fight behind us) I still worry that there are some issues festering underneath the surface. Maybe it’s just my lack of faith in marriage nowadays (my parents are getting divorced). I’m just swamped with insecurities and paranoia about my husband’s faithfulness to me. I’m convinced that if he’s not currently cheating on me, he will at some point because it’s inevitable. I feel like that’s what happens to everyone and that we will be no exception. I feel like our marriage will almost certainly end in divorce. What a joy I must be to live with! It must put a lot of strain on him, my constant lack of faith in us. It’s our third wedding anniversary at the end of the month, and three years is no mean feat. We’ve survived kids and anxiety and depression and infidelity and family issues and financial worries. And we’re still here. He still makes me laugh. We still tell each other we love each other. He still tells me I’m the most beautiful woman in the world. I still get excited about him coming home from work. We still hug and kiss and are affectionate. We’re honest with each other. We have a healthy sex life. So why, why, WHY does it feel so freaking hard?

4 thoughts on “Married Life

  1. I think your last few sentences are a really good sign that the two of you will be fine.
    Keeping it that way does take effort, and sometimes that effort will feel too much when everything else feels like it is too much all at the same time. Try not to be too hard on yourself.

      • and I get how scary that must be, and how it must be such a vicious circle. To be able to say to him, “told you so” is no victory at all. It’s really hard trying to stay on top of feelings, you’re doing what you can, and that’s enough. He knows that too.

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