I Am Anxiety And Depression

I don’t like school holidays.

I love my kids, but I don’t like having to deal with them 24/7. And as my 4 year old girl is used to attending nursery full time she has a lot of energy to kill, which means hyperactivity, temper issues and disobedience. Argh. I feel like I’m not good enough as a mother. I can’t occupy these kids. I hardly play with them; no wonder they use naughtiness as a way to get my attention. I don’t take them out anywhere because I’m some kind of hermit-freak imprisoned by anxiety and depression. And they’re just as imprisoned as I am. No wonder they’re so high maintenance.

The funny thing is I’ve been pretty broody lately, thinking about having another baby and imagining what I might call it etc etc etc. Am I stupid? I can’t handle the two I have! What makes me think another one would make it any easier? I’m so stupid. I think it’s partly because my little boy is 19 months now and very much not a baby anymore so I miss it. I just need to keep it in perspective. Kids are hard. I’m not stable. I’m still on medication for crying out loud. I can’t get pregnant, or I’ll have to come off it, and that would be very bad.

I’m so stupid and these kids are driving me absolutely insane today.

Sorry about the mess this post is. I know it’s disjointed. I know it jumps around. I don’t actually care.

Ugh. Anxiety and depression. I feel like that’s all I am now. Those two words define me. They limit so much of my life and have eroded me so entirely that I’m really just a shell filled with blank nothingness. I’m empty. I’m anxiety and depression. That’s it.

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