I spoke to my Dad today on the phone, and for the first time I was honest with him about how things are with me. I mean, I’m honest all the time, but I’m usually more generic with my responses, giving blanket answers rather than specifics. And I often downplay things a little. But today I told him that most of my days are bad, that I can’t cope with thinking about more than the current day because the future overwhelms me, that I have times when I’m suicidal. I also told him about how I’ve recently discovered more about my innate sense of not being good enough, and how it stemmed from feeling a disappointment to people in my childhood and adolescence. I was worried about how he’d react to this- I was scared he’d think I was insulting his parenting, and I know he’s fragile at the moment (going through a divorce does that to you). So I was careful with how I phrased things, and I made sure he knew that I thought he was a good parent who loved me. And he reacted so lovingly, praising me for being so open, telling me I’m beautiful and special and a wonderful person with wonderful qualities. It was what I needed to hear. Having finally told him where my insecurities stem from, it was such a relief to hear him challenge my negative views of myself and express his love for me. In those moments I was a little girl again, seeking approval and validation from her parents. And I feel so much lighter after finally feeling able to let it all out to him. I feel better at being so open about how I am at the moment too.
So all in all, a really good experience. Hopefully this good feeling will last :).