I was hoping recovery would be a straight shot to the finish line, that once I’d started it would be easy and I’d be unstoppable. I knew I was wrong, but I still hoped. But unfortunately my hope was misplaced.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad that I’m making progress in certain areas of my life, however small. For example, it’s nice to not be thrown into a panic by a stranger talking to me out on the street. I still get nervous a lot of the time, but that’s still so much better in my eyes. I just wish that the phrase ‘it won’t happen overnight’ wasn’t true. I wish that I could click my fingers and I would magically recover overnight. That would be awesome. Instead, recovery is this rocky, treacherous road, a steep slope up a mountainside. It’s slow-going, and you’re going to stumble and struggle with the climb. There will be times when a misplaced foot will cause you to slip back a few metres, or an unforeseen thunderstorm will halt progress for a time. The wind and rain could even make you fall a considerable distance back down the path.
But I guess what I have to keep in mind is that regardless of the forward steps and the backward slips, I’m still on that path, and for that I’m so grateful. It’s going to be a long trek, but at least I’m not still wallowing hopeless and the bottom of the mountain. No matter how exhausting, no matter how long the journey, it’s still going to end sometime. If I keep trying I’ll reach the top eventually. Won’t I? I sure as heck hope so.
And when I reach that clifftop, it had better be beautiful. It had better be worth the pain and tears, because otherwise why don’t I just give up now? Let myself sink deeper into the muddy canyon I’m in?
Life sucks at the bottom of the mountain. And life sucks a lot of the time on the way up. But in my positive moments, when I believe in myself, I honestly feel the climb will be worth it. The end is not in sight for me yet. Who knows how far away it is. But I believe my destination – the clifftop/recovery – exists. And I’m going to make sure I get there.