Day 2 of my re-commitment to blogging…and I have no idea what to write about! I guess I’ll just see where the words take me.
This morning was one of the rare moments when I felt able to contact my Mum. My daughter was happily playing with a Christmas present from her (she only opened it this morning- long story) and so I took some pictures and sent them to her via WhatsApp. There’s no rhyme or reason to my feelings towards her. Today I felt fine to send her a cheery message, but other days I can barely think about her because I’m so filled with anger. I feel betrayed, but it’s hard to explain why. In a nutshell, her parents divorced when she was in her late twenties/early thirties, and the whole thing messed her up in so many ways. I don’t think she’s ever fully recovered mentally. I guess I feel angry at her choosing to give up on her marriage with my Dad, knowing what effect it could have on her children. And, selfishly, even more so on me, because I already have mental issues. What is this going to do to me? She can’t know how much damage she’s causing, and yet she’s doing it seemingly uncaringly, being incredibly tunnel-visioned.
I know compassion is the answer, I know I need to be forgiving and then these bitter feelings will dissipate, but it sucks. Right now I feel justified in these feelings and so I’m not feeling ready to let them go. Hopefully soon I’ll be able to. Not today.
I desperately want a relationship with her again, I want to be able to talk to her and laugh with her and ask her for advice, but right now she feels like a stranger. I don’t know where my mother is. I don’t know who she is. It’s confusing and I find myself wishing all of it was a bad dream. I want to wake up, but I know I can’t because this is real life, this is it, and I need to make the best of it.
It’s a mess though.
Anyway, on a brighter note, I’m not actually feeling too bad today. A bit on edge of anxiety and panic, but mostly stable which is nice.