Brightness In The Blackness

Ugh, I’m such a mess. I’m in such a horrible phase right now (at least I hope it’s a phase) where I get these seriously intense low mood patches and it’s honestly terrifying. I feel so hopeless and that there is truly nothing to live for anymore because reality is either too scary or too overwhelming or too dull. Last night I cried myself ragged because I thought my marriage was over because I thought my husband didn’t care about me. But in reality, I was way overreacting and he does care.  When I finally calmed down (after a scarily close call with some scissors; I’ve never cut myself before as a method of self harm, but last night I got closer than I ever have. I even made some scratches) I was exhausted, physically and emotionally. I had an awful headache and I felt I could fall asleep right then and there. Emotional outbursts really take it out of me.

So that was last night. Then I had a pretty rubbish sleep and then my husband was working from 12 today so I was facing a day alone at home with two kids at various stages of illness, while feeling not exactly top notch myself and needing sleep so badly. But thankfully today has been a surprisingly good day. I’ve had a few of my regular anxiety moments or feeling slightly low, but thankfully nothing of the crushing, suffocating blackness I’ve had so much of lately. And another huge plus was that I managed to nap while my son was asleep and my ill little girl slept in my bed with me. Little things to be grateful for.

My husband still isn’t home from work so I miss him, and I don’t like being home alone at night, but he’ll be done around 10 so not too much longer.

2 thoughts on “Brightness In The Blackness

  1. The blackness sounds awful, and I’m sorry to hear about the brush with self harm. I guess its obvious but I’m going to say it anyway; good on you for showing that restraint, and have a think about alternatives incase theres a next time. I hope there isnt.

    It’s encouraging that you can find the brightness 🙂 Hold onto that x

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