Fighting Fear

I’ve been feeling incredibly low over the past few days. I think it’s because of my recent commitment to try my best to trust my husband again and turn over a new slate. As part of this I promised I’d do my best to stop checking up on him and searching through his phone and looking up certain individuals on various social media. I’m doing well with this commitment, but it’s so difficult and I’ve been so insecure lately. My husband’s end of the bargain was complete transparency with me and also an increase in attention and affection to help me feel less insecure. He’s been brilliant and helped me a lot, but it’s still only put a slight dent in my intense insecurities and trust issues. I’m hoping that as time passes it will get easier and trust will come more naturally. I’m hoping that over time I’ll heal and we can move forwards. But for now, I’m in the middle of an incredibly low phase plagued by fears and suspicions of his honesty.

Infidelity can wreck a relationship, that much is true. But I’m determined to survive this. Most of the battle, as long as my husband stays faithful, is fighting myself and my thoughts. My imagination can be vivid and unforgiving, and I can jump quickly to the worst conclusions. Plus this depression is so suffocating and debilitating. Sometimes I feel an intense lethargy and lack of motivation to do anything. Sometimes it’s just overwhelming misery and hopelessness. But they say time is a healer, and I hope that if I can steer clear of destructive behaviours (like looking up people he cheated with on facebook) eventually the burning fear will dampen and ultimately flicker out.

This morning was difficult but my husband was very compassionate and spent some time before he left for work telling me how much he loves me and talking about different things he loves about me. It was sweet and romantic and also spontaneous, which helps me trust that it’s genuine. I’m grateful he did that. I’m also grateful for his patience with me. There have been times recently when I’ve been very unkind and harsh to him, as well as lashing out physically during one particularly horrible panic attack. He takes it all and still wants to make our marriage work and I’m grateful for that.

I do love him and I know he loves me. Sometimes I say that I don’t know if love alone is enough to make a marriage work, but sometimes I feel that maybe it could be. I can hope.

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