Today has been another day when I have been reminded how much I despise anxiety and depression (as if I need reminding). It’s also shown me how having a cough and a sore throat, added to a great need for sleep, can exacerbate anxiety and depression considerably. And to top it off, my husband’s getting unwell too, which triggers panic for me. I don’t like it when he’s sick because I rely on him so much. Not necessarily to do everything for me, but it’s more the knowledge that he’s there for me and able to help me if I need him to. But when he’s ill, it feels like that safety net goes. Plus his work has put him on some crazy shifts this week that are completely messing with his body clock, and with my anxiety. I hate change and inconsistency. I don’t like it when he’s away at night. I just wish life would take a step back sometimes, give me some breathing room. I feel like I’m dealing with a heck of a lot anyway, what with mental illness etc, without the added mess of physical illness and my husband doing ridiculous shifts.
There have been some times today when a tiny thing has sent me into a panic, it’s so ridiculous and irrational and yet so intense, and I’m just getting so sick of it. I want to be normal again. I want to live a life free of this rubbish. I’m back and forth between hoping that one day I’ll get better. There are times when I feel hopeful that recovery is a real possibility for me, but then there are other times when all I see ahead of me is blackness and despair. I see a string of dark days, bitter feelings, unfulfilled dreams. I see nothing but a black abyss, like the night sky without any stars, endless and vast.
I know there must be a chance I’ll get better, because I know there are people in the world who have overcome mental illness. But it’s so hard to hope for that. It’s so hard even to visualise it. I can’t imagine what it would be like.
I know I have so much to be grateful for in my life and I’m trying to focus on those things. I know everyone has their issues, nobody has a perfect life. I know I need to try and stay positive. It would be so much easier if my brain wasn’t out to get me.