I haven’t posted in over a week, and I have no idea what to write. I’m not even going to attempt to cover the entire happenings since my last entry, but in a nutshell it’s been up and down.
It might be easier to just pick up from today and explain how I feel now. I feel a lot of anger and hate, I feel like on any given day my anger may be directed at one of a number of different people, and mainly the anger takes the form of blaming that person/those people for the way I am now. Sometimes I blame my mother. Sometimes I blame my husband. Sometimes I blame the ex who cheated on me just after I’d had my daughter. Today I found myself blaming my children.
It’s difficult to explain. I just felt such a surge of hatred towards them (unfairly, of course). I wrote my heat-of-the-moment feelings down as follows:
I hate my children. It’s because of them that I’m like this and it’s because of them that my life is crap. If I’d never gotten pregnant I wouldn’t be so messed up. I wouldn’t have been cheated on. I wouldn’t have developed mental illnesses. Life would be easier and brighter. Instead it’s bleak and miserable and stressful. Snapshot moments of happiness amongst anger and fear and misery. They make my life hell and I hate them. If I’d known, I wouldn’t have chosen this. Children are not the cute happy bundles of joy they’re made out to be. Being a parent is largely sadness with random bits of positivity mixed in. My life is grey and colourless. I hate my existence. I hate my children.
Reading that back now I feel ashamed that I had those feelings. I feel like depression is no excuse for such bitterness towards two innocent little people. Of course I love them. I don’t hate them. I’m just so messed up. It scares me that I could feel like this towards my own children. What kind of a mother does that make me?
I feel unfit to be their mother. I fear I am a danger towards them. What if I hurt them in one of these all-consuming low phases? What if I just can’t bear it anymore?
I think all this anger and hate and blame shows how unstable I am emotionally and mentally. I bounce back and forth between who I hate and who I blame. Some days I feel overwhelming love for my husband or my Mum, but some days I literally despise them for the choices they’ve made and how they’ve affected me. Regardless of who it’s directed at, this anger and hatred is eating me up inside. I don’t want to feel like this. It’s horrible. But I don’t see a way out.