Hopelessness, Hurt, Hatred

I haven’t written a post in a long time because I just don’t know what to say. I can’t tell the difference between what’s real and what’s not anymore. I can’t tell what’s anxiety or depression and what’s really me. And part of me thinks there isn’t a real me anymore, not beyond mental illness. What’s real and what’s not real? What constitutes real? Because anxiety feels pretty real, whether it’s chemicals and hormones or not.

I have no hope in anything. The future is bleak and as colourless as the present. I see no happiness in my future, no improvement, no ‘things will get better’.

I thought I’d forgiven my husband for his infidelity, but I don’t know if I have. I feel incapable of trusting him. I see lies everywhere. I imagine deception in everything. I’m half expecting, each day, to find something that proves he’s cheated again. Or to have him confess it himself. I feel worthless and ugly and unlovable, so it doesn’t make sense to me that he would be faithful to me. And I blame him for the way I feel.

I had an ex boyfriend who was unfaithful to me and that started off a tonne of insecurities about my self worth. My husband used to tell me he’d never cheat on me because he knew how much it would destroy me, and now I’ve discovered that he was being unfaithful even as he was giving me those assurances of his loyalty.

So now he says he’s changed, that he won’t lie to me anymore, that he’s committed to our marriage. But how can I believe that? What if he’s still lying to me? How can I ever know?

I want to trust him but I’m so scared of being hurt again. I want to forgive him because it’s just festering inside me and making me bitter and angry and hateful.

I want to feel hope. I want to see beauty in the world, in my life, in me.

I don’t know who I am.

What is the point of you, Ella?

4 thoughts on “Hopelessness, Hurt, Hatred

  1. The point of you is to be you – to live, to experience, to love and feel.

    As for who ‘you’ really is…does anyone ever really know? Surely ‘you’ are ever-changing, like the rest of us? Can you take the assurances of your readers that you’re a wonderful expressive person, with clear worth? I hope you can. You’re struggling, pitched against some real issues like this infidelity, but step by step you’re making it through. Even in those moments where you feel hopeless, you’re still winning, by existing.

    I’m not surprised to read that you’re unsure about how you stand with your husband at the moment. I can’t really say anything to help, and I’m sad that you’re left feeling so awful. Lies are a poison you can’t quite suck out of the wound, and I don’t have an antidote. I wish I did.

    Hugs xxxx

    • Thankyou. I wish I could believe that I have worth and that I can trust my husband, but sometimes it feels impossible. I wish there was an antidote as well, I wish I could get inside his head and see what he’s really thinking, so I could know whether he’s telling the truth this time. It’s so hard once trust is broken to build it back up.

      On another note, I hope you’re doing okay. I haven’t read your most recent posts yet because I’ve found myself withdrawing and not wanting to blog or read other people’s. But I will soon. I really hope you’re doing okay xx

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