The weather has mirrored my mood today- turbulent, grey and uninviting. Picking my daughter up from school was the worst school run I’ve done to date. The wind was ferocious and unrelenting, I had to take my daughter’s umbrella away because it was getting difficult for her to hold onto, and suffice it to say she didn’t react very well to that. The gusts of wind kept blowing my and my daughter’s hoods down (it wasn’t really raining, just spitting intermittently, but I was worried about earache) so that wasn’t fun. And there was a scary moment waiting to cross a busy road when the intense wind caused my daughter to stumble a little and I was frightened that she’d end up in the road. It was difficult trying to keep the pram steady, keep my hood up as well as my daughter’s, and make sure she was safe (I only have two hands!!). All the while she was whining because I’d taken her umbrella away. Nightmare.
So yeah. I’ve been pretty stressed out and very low. It’s a miracle I survived and got the kids fed and in bed okay. I’m glad I did survive the day, but sometimes I hate it. I feel like the fact that I survive means people assume I can handle it all, but I can’t. I’m not handling it. I freak out, I get angry, I cry, I panic, I shout. I don’t handle it at all. But all people see is the surface, the fact that I do it, therefore I must be fine. But I’m not. I’m not.
I really hope tomorrow is nicer. And that goes for the weather too. Hopefully this tail-end of Hurricane Gonzalo will blow itself out overnight and leave us alone tomorrow. It’s awful, people have been injured and one person has died already because of it. Why do these things happen? It makes me so sad. And scared. I wish bad things didn’t happen. When I hear news stories like that, about the woman killed by a fallen tree due to the wind, I get so emotionally involved in it, and it makes me so sad. It makes me despise the world we live in even more. It makes me terrified that the bad things I’m going through will never let up because that’s just how life works. And then I feel selfish for thinking that way when somebody just lost their life in a terrible, unexpected way. Ugh. It’s awful.