Today’s Daily Prompt asked a really interesting question:
To be, to have, to think, to move – which of these verbs is the one you feel most connected to? Or is there another verb that characterises you better?
Personally, I think the verb ‘to have’ characterises me, because I feel it’s what I have (or don’t have) that defines me.
I have children. Because of this, I am a mother. I don’t feel like I’m a very good one, most of the time nowadays I don’t even want to be one anymore, but I am one and that’s that.
I have a husband, so I am a wife. Again, not a very good one in my opinion. But he says I make him happy, and that counts for something right?
I have anxiety. This means there are things that scare me that aren’t necessarily rationally scary. I’m scared of being outside. I’m scared of interacting with people. Loud noises frighten me. Looking after my children frightens me. My anxiety makes me stressed and tense. Sometimes I have panic attacks.
I have depression. This means I am low an awful lot. Sometimes I am so low I feel like I can’t do anything. I have no motivation to do anything, even to move. I get lethargic. I get tired. I think negatively about myself and my life. I am difficult to reason with; I find it hard to see the good or break out of my low moods.
I have more fat than I would like. I feel ugly and unattractive.
I have skills that I’m not using. I feel like I’m wasting my life.
I have insecurities. I’m terrified my husband will cheat on me again. Or leave me. Or both. I’m scared my parents will get divorced. I’m insecure in that I feel I’ve never been good enough for them. I fear their separation is partly my fault for disappointing them and putting strain on their marriage.
I feel defined by so many things. But I don’t know who I am. I don’t know why I exist. To quote a book I read recently (except I’ve inserted my name instead): ‘What is the point of you, Ella Cook?’