I’ve been finding it difficult to blog recently, hence my radio silence. I don’t know why. My anxiety and depression have been quite hard to deal with and I guess that’s affecting my motivation to blog.
There’s not really much going on for me right now. My daughter is at school and she’s doing well, my husband just got a new job which will hopefully make him happier and more fulfilled, my son is just a normal, happy baby boy. But me? What am I doing? I have no idea.
I spend practically every day indoors doing nothing (except for the school run). I exercise in the morning which makes me feel good about myself, but other than that I feel like I’m pretty much a failure. My house is a mess but I don’t tidy or clean it. I’m not doing anything with my life. I just read or do something on my phone or watch something. I don’t do anything.
I don’t know what I want to do. But I know that my life isn’t really fulfilling me. Getting through one day at a time is such an achievement in my eyes that time just slides by without my noticing. I’m getting older without achieving anything. I’m stuck. I’m no closer to what I want to do with the rest of my life than I was years ago.
I raise my children. That’s it.
I used to think motherhood would fulfil me. I always told myself I’d be a stay-at-home-mum because I didn’t want to miss my children’s childhood. I always used to think I’d regret it if I missed those special formative years. But now I don’t know.
I just feel like I’m stuck. I’m not miserable, but I’m not fulfilled either. Maybe it’s wishful thinking to desire satisfaction from life? Maybe not being miserable is enough and it would be arrogant to expect more. I don’t know.