On Edge

I’ve got so much going on in my head, and I really don’t know what to write about.

I saw my doctor yesterday and I was really nervous about it. I don’t like talking about my anxiety and depression, even though I do trust her and she’s helped me a lot. She prescribed me some propranolol (as well as my normal sertraline) to try and see if that helps with my symptoms at bad times. The down side is that I can’t take any until I stop breastfeeding. However, my son is 1 next month and I’ve vowed to myself that I will stop then because I can give him cow’s milk instead from that age. And I think breastfeeding him for a year is plenty. I’ve had quite enough of it now and feel very ready to stop. Not to mention the fact that he now has 3 teeth which causes painful problems at times.

Today I’m feeling okay but I can tell I’m on the edge. I’m struggling to keep the blackness at bay and the panic under control. My husband is at work and I’m alone with the children and I’m feeling fragile. So far they’ve been good, but I know from experience that today it would take only a small trigger to set off my anxiety.

I’m also nervous because next week my husband will only have his usual two days off; it’s been lovely having him off for four out of seven days this week. I love not being alone with the kids.

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