The past couple of days have been pretty hard for me. They’ve been very emotionally intense, as well as physically trying.
My little girl started school on Tuesday, and I’ve been on such a rollercoaster of emotion with it. I’ve felt excitement, fear, relief, dread, inadequacy…a whole mixture of feelings. My husband took a couple of days off work so I wouldn’t have to do the school run alone the first few times, but he’s working all day today so I’ve done it by myself. It’s been scary and very draining.
I’ve also slept pretty awfully these past couple of nights because I haven’t been able to switch my brain off. I’ve gotten to sleep much later than I should have, and that coupled with doing a lot of physical activity I’m not used to (school run etc) has exhausted me. I got up around half 5 this morning to feed my son, which is fairly normal, but then I never ended up getting any more sleep after I fed him because then my daughter woke up. So I’m pretty shattered. I’ve tried sleeping today while my son naps, but despite my sheer exhaustion I’m not able to fall asleep. I hope sleep doesn’t continue being so difficult for me. I really need it.
It scares me going out every day and being in a place with lots of people. It scares me leaving my little girl at school. I worry about her. It scares me that this change is something I’ll simply have to get used to, because school will be a part of life for a long time now. I just don’t feel cut out to be a mother. I honestly don’t. I genuinely believe it’s not a natural thing for me. I love my children so much, but I think they’re not happy with me as their mother.
I just feel so vulnerable lately. It hasn’t been nice. I’ve been plagued with insecurity and paranoia about my husband’s fidelity. I feel ugly and unimportant. I feel worthless.
I hope that things will get easier as I get used to the new routines of my life. I hope I’ll feel stronger and more secure. I hope I’ll feel less exhausted. I hope it will be better soon.