*NOTE* I recognise that I am anxious and depressed right now. I recognise that I will probably regret what I’m about to say later. But I need to get this out of my system and I have no one else to talk to
I’m not happy and I don’t think I ever will be because, ultimately, he’s betrayed me. There’s no getting around that. The fact that it’s ‘nothing to do with me’ is, to be frank, total crap. Of course it’s to do with me. He’s not happy in some way. Sexually, emotionally, whatever. He was unfaithful because he’s not satisfied with me. And I guess I just need to accept that. And I need to find a way to tell him I’m not happy anymore either. I need to be away from him for a bit, or forever, I don’t know yet. But I know I’m not happy. We’re not happy. There is nothing in my life that makes me happy or complete. I love my children but I can’t handle it anymore. I’m fed up with being taken for granted. I don’t think he really sees how close he is to losing me. Maybe he needs to feel that fear. Maybe then he’ll see what his feelings for me really are. Sometimes I really hate him for what he’s done and how he treats me. Sometimes I hate this marriage. Sometimes I hate life. I think we need to re-think where we are. He’s not sorry. He still treats me unkindly and in a disrespectful way. He’s not sorry, not really. All I am is someone who keeps the kids alive and gives him a sexual release every now and then. I am such a fool. I can’t believe I’ve been so naive. I’ve fallen for it again. This is done now. No more. I deserve better than this. I have every right to do what I need to do. I won’t let him blackmail me anymore. I’ve had enough. I’m done here.