I’ve got so many big choices to make. I don’t have to make them right now, but it’s still daunting knowing that sooner or later I’ll be faced with them.
One choice is whether to have any more children. I know my husband would like to have more, but it’s such a massive commitment, much more so for a woman than a man, in my opinion. The small comfort is that I know it’s not an option right now as I can’t be on my medication if I’m pregnant, and I definitely still need it. But if one day I do come off it (which I hope will mean I’m a lot better) then I’m faced with this choice to make. I’m terrified of going through pregnancy and labour again, plus there’s the risk I’ll develop post-natal depression after the birth as I know I have a propensity for mental illness. And having kids is hard work, anyone who says it isn’t is lying. Plus I want to get my life moving, I want to get a degree and get started on a career path. And more children would delay that.
But despite all this, despite the emotional and physical ordeal of it, there is a part of me that wants more. But I’m simply terrified. Right now I’ve got my medication as an excuse not to consider it, but what about when I’m no longer taking it? What then? It’s scary.