Choice

I’ve got so many big choices to make. I don’t have to make them right now, but it’s still daunting knowing that sooner or later I’ll be faced with them.

One choice is whether to have any more children. I know my husband would like to have more, but it’s such a massive commitment, much more so for a woman than a man, in my opinion. The small comfort is that I know it’s not an option right now as I can’t be on my medication if I’m pregnant, and I definitely still need it. But if one day I do come off it (which I hope will mean I’m a lot better) then I’m faced with this choice to make. I’m terrified of going through pregnancy and labour again, plus there’s the risk I’ll develop post-natal depression after the birth as I know I have a propensity for mental illness. And having kids is hard work, anyone who says it isn’t is lying. Plus I want to get my life moving, I want to get a degree and get started on a career path. And more children would delay that.

But despite all this, despite the emotional and physical ordeal of it, there is a part of me that wants more. But I’m simply terrified. Right now I’ve got my medication as an excuse not to consider it, but what about when I’m no longer taking it? What then? It’s scary.

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2 thoughts on “Choice

  1. I’m so with you on the fear of post-natal depression; it’s one of my biggest reasons for not having children any time soon. Nurse L always told me the risk was small, and that an awareness that it might happen can be kind of preventative (or causative if you let it…)

    But you were right from the start – you don’t have to make this choice now. I know it looks daunting, but remember that when you come off your medication your circumstances are likely to be quite different. It’s not something anyone can accurately imagine right now. Regarding the degree, have you thought about the Open University or online courses?

    If you can help it, don’t let this stuff scare you now when you don’t know quite what your situation will be. I know that’s a big ‘If’, so I’m sorry if this is annoying!

    • It’s interesting that you said an awareness of post-natal depression can be preventative or causative, because I’ve always worried that just being afraid of it would be enough to set it off. I know fear is a powerful thing.

      I have thought about Open University and I just don’t know if I’d have enough discipline to do something like that. Although to be fair I haven’t researched it in depth so I guess I can’t make a judgment. I just so badly want to be doing something, but at the same time the prospect of change scares me so I’m kind of stuck.

      No your comment wasn’t annoying at all, thankyou for it. It helps to know someone understands some of my fears. I’ll try and not worry about it now, after all there really isn’t any point. But it’s easier said than done haha

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