The Day After a Breakdown

Today is okay. Last night I had something of an emotional breakdown; I cried for so long, I felt in the depths of despair and experienced regular bouts of panic to top it off. It all came as a result of examining my feelings in more depth than I have in a long time. I think writing my blog post was the catalyst that started the chain reaction, I think it made me more fragile and took the barriers down so that when my husband and I started talking about emotional things, the floodgates opened. It was exhausting but enlightening. I let my feelings spill out in the form of words and tears, and it really helped me to make sense of some deep things going on inside my head. For a while we were at odds, both of us emotional and hurting, both of us feeling misunderstood by the other. But eventually we both got a chance to express ourselves and it helped a lot. Hearing how my husband feels really helped me understand him better. We were still a bit distant when he went to sleep, but after I’d stayed up a little and calmed down, I woke him to kiss him and tell him I love him. I’m grateful the day ended well.

Today has been up and down. My little boy is teething so he’s a bit grumpy and high maintenance, but he’s dealing with it okay I guess. I’ve been feeling pretty demotivated and it took enormous strength of will to exercise this morning, but I’m proud to say that I did! I also received a message from my Mum earlier but I can’t bring myself to reply at the moment because just thinking of it knots my stomach up. Her message wasn’t bad or anything. But I guess I’m still very fragile where she is concerned, and when I’m feeling vulnerable like I am today I still need to be wary and keep my distance.

I also finished a book today- The Girl With All The Gifts by M R Carey. It’s not a genre I’ve ever read before but I’m trying a lot of different books right now, and I’m glad I’ve read this one. I really enjoyed it and I’m surprised by how much I did. It’s post-apocalyptic zombie genre; definitely not something I’d normally be interested in, but the reviews spoke of it as a surprisingly warm, touching take on the genre, and I’d have to agree. It was very thought provoking.

Anyway. So today’s not all bad and I’m grateful for the good in it. I’m grateful for my marriage and my children. I know I’m very lucky even if I don’t always see it.

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