I’m sorry it’s been a few days since my last post. I’ve been finding it hard to get motivated to write about my feelings and I’m not entirely sure why.
Things with my husband are going okay, aside from the trust issues that are crippling me right now. I desperately want to trust him, and there are moments when I do. But most of the time I struggle, and I’m terrified that if I can’t sort this out it will destroy our marriage. I know it’s understandable to struggle with trust after infidelity in a relationship, and I know it’s especially understandable if, like me, you had trust issues to begin with thanks to past experience. But I so badly want to be free of this. It’s like it’s choking me slowly, squeezing in on me from all sides, and it will continue to get more constricting and painful unless I manage to break its hold.
But how do I do it? I can’t just click my fingers and say “okay, I’ll trust you”. Mistrust goes deeper than that. It’s woven into deep insecurities and fears, it’s intensified by bad experience and by anxiety and depression. It’s not that I haven’t forgiven him, because I have. It’s just that I can’t get the anxiety side of my brain to shut up, and it’s driving me crazy.
I see lies everywhere and I can’t seem to help it. When I get it into my head that he’s keeping something from me I can’t think about anything else. And what sucks is that a lot of the time my probing questions do actually unearth things he hasn’t told me. Whether it’s about his unfaithfulness or his feelings or something else. So that just intensifies my paranoia and makes it more difficult to differentiate genuine deception from the distorted view anxiety gives me.
It’s just so suffocating, for both of us. It needs to stop. I need to be able to trust him or I’ll go insane.