Yesterday was hard for me. I was panicked for a lot of the day, the tension in my stomach never really left for long. All day I was seeking distraction, but if anything worked it was only temporary.
Today is better though, thank goodness. I’m feeling more at ease with everything. It’s a relief.
This morning my anxiety was making me wonder whether I’m weak for giving my husband a second chance. People tell me I’m brave, but I don’t see it. With my ex boyfriend, almost the moment I discovered his cheating I chose to leave him and take my little girl with me. This time though, I’m more than willing to stay. I think it’s because I love my husband more than I’ve ever loved anyone, and also I put a lot of value on marriage. I think if I’ve committed to something I should put effort into making it work. I also think the fundamental difference between the two situations is that I discovered my ex boyfriend’s infidelity by finding texts on his phone, whereas my husband had the courage and conscience to own up and tell me the truth. That shows me he feels sorry and thinks I deserve better from him. That shows me he is willing to try. I think it was incredibly brave of him to tell me. He knew it could potentially destroy me, and our relationship too. It must have been scary and taken a lot of courage.
I know he loves me and is serious about committing himself to our marriage. That’s a crucial point for me. After he told me he’d been unfaithful, the first thing I asked him was what he wanted, whether he wanted to make our marriage work. Then, when he said yes, I asked him why. He said he loves me. When we got married, we knew our life wouldn’t be easy. Marriage takes work, patience and willingness to change. Marriage is about love and trust, it’s about apologising even when you think you’ve done nothing wrong and forgiving the other for their shortcomings. Marriage is seeing every part of a person’s being, all their good and bad laid out before you, and loving them still. It’s recognising weaknesses in each other and being understanding when mistakes are made. No one is perfect.
I’m scared of the future because I know there will be bad days. But I’m holding onto the overwhelming love I have for my husband, and the knowledge that he loves me deeply and sincerely too. I forgive him for what he’s done. I love him. I’m trying my best to trust him. I know healing will take time for both of us. But I know we’ll be okay. I know that with effort and patience, this challenge can be overcome and we’ll be stronger as a couple because of it.