Today has been overall a positive day. There have been low and stressful moments, but it’s been surprisingly good.
For the first time in ages I exercised this morning which was so great. I found that it was a great release for my pent up tension. I put so much effort into it to really let out my feelings which was beneficial. I think I definitely need a constructive outlet because I was so tense and low yesterday and then yesterday evening my husband and I had some bad arguments and I had a panic attack and cried A LOT. It was so exhausting and if it becomes a regular thing it could damage our marriage pretty severely. We’ve chosen to try to make this work, I’ve committed to it and so has he, and so I need to be able to forgive and forget and move on. I know the feelings are very raw right now, but there needs to come a time when I don’t dwell on it anymore, when it’s just a part of the past with no impact on the present.
I’m grateful that exercising was such an outlet for me today. I also kind of go on autopilot when I do it and it leaves much of my head free to think, but it’s a safe environment to think in because I’m busy being productive, I’m not wallowing in my despair. I can think things over without it weighing me down. It’s a relief. Another massive bonus of exercise is that it does wonders for my self esteem. I know that every day I do it I’m one step closer to getting my pre-baby body back, and that feels empowering. And despite trying to convince myself otherwise, there’s also a part of me (I’m ashamed to admit it) that wants to tone up and lose weight so that I feel more attractive than the women my husband was unfaithful with. I only know what a couple of them look like, and I think it’s natural to compare myself to them, even if it is destructive. It’s natural to feel insecure when I think of them. So yeah, it’s probably not good to admit it but I want to look good on the outside so that I feel more confident when comparing myself to them. Embarrassing confession over.
So anyway, my day started off well and set a positive tone for the rest of the day. I got some housework done, I felt in control of my anxiety, I didn’t wallow in sadness.
I feel good. Fragile, but good.