Fragile, But Good

Today has been overall a positive day. There have been low and stressful moments, but it’s been surprisingly good.

For the first time in ages I exercised this morning which was so great. I found that it was a great release for my pent up tension. I put so much effort into it to really let out my feelings which was beneficial. I think I definitely need a constructive outlet because I was so tense and low yesterday and then yesterday evening my husband and I had some bad arguments and I had a panic attack and cried A LOT. It was so exhausting and if it becomes a regular thing it could damage our marriage pretty severely. We’ve chosen to try to make this work, I’ve committed to it and so has he, and so I need to be able to forgive and forget and move on. I know the feelings are very raw right now, but there needs to come a time when I don’t dwell on it anymore, when it’s just a part of the past with no impact on the present.

I’m grateful that exercising was such an outlet for me today. I also kind of go on autopilot when I do it and it leaves much of my head free to think, but it’s a safe environment to think in because I’m busy being productive, I’m not wallowing in my despair. I can think things over without it weighing me down. It’s a relief. Another massive bonus of exercise is that it does wonders for my self esteem. I know that every day I do it I’m one step closer to getting my pre-baby body back, and that feels empowering. And despite trying to convince myself otherwise, there’s also a part of me (I’m ashamed to admit it) that wants to tone up and lose weight so that I feel more attractive than the women my husband was unfaithful with. I only know what a couple of them look like, and I think it’s natural to compare myself to them, even if it is destructive. It’s natural to feel insecure when I think of them. So yeah, it’s probably not good to admit it but I want to look good on the outside so that I feel more confident when comparing myself to them. Embarrassing confession over.

So anyway, my day started off well and set a positive tone for the rest of the day. I got some housework done, I felt in control of my anxiety, I didn’t wallow in sadness.

I feel good. Fragile, but good.

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3 thoughts on “Fragile, But Good

  1. Working out is a great outlet! You should try yoga. It is way more than just a workout, it is great for your mind too. I always feel better after doing yoga.
    As for your husbands unfaithfulness, I’m so sorry. I completely understand why you are still with him – I decided to stay with my ex when he told me because I loved him so much, I could forgive him for anything. But I also feel like it is so unfair to you! You are young and nice and cheating is just so disrespectful… especially since it happened more than once. You deserve way better than that.

    • Thankyou, yeah it’s hard because I want to make it work but there are times when my insecurities are going mental. I know he is genuinely sorry and that helps me feel like it can work, but it’s going to be a tough journey for both of us.

  2. Glad you got through the day. I agree with Amy about yoga. I went to my class yesterday and felt so much lighter in my mood. Mind you part of it was because I’d been holed up in the house for a couple of days 🙂 I’m sorry to hear about your Husband. But you’re right, when you have children it’s not an easy choice to make, nothing is black and white.

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