Worthless and So, So Ugly

My husband has cheated on me. He told me yesterday. I’m dying inside.

For years I’ve lived in terror that my past will repeat itself. That I will fall in love again and have another child only to have that person be unfaithful to me. And now it’s happened. Now it’s happened.

He said it was nothing physical, just sexual messages. And sexual images being sent on some occasions. There have been multiple women, some were strangers. But whether he slept with someone or not, I consider what he did cheating. He was unfaithful to me.

What have I done to deserve this again? I give myself to someone completely. I carry a child in my body and then go through the agony of childbirth. I do all this for a man. Then they cheat.

And last time this happened, I left the guy. I was brave enough to face being a single mother. Now though, with anxiety and depression plaguing my life, I am too cowardly to face single motherhood.

I love my husband and we are trying to make it work. But I’m dying inside.

I must be so ugly and so worthless for two men to cheat on me. And after I’ve given them a child too. I know my body isn’t nice anymore, pregnancy does that to you. But I thought men weren’t that shallow. I was wrong.

I hate it all. I hate life and I hate men and I hate sex and I hate the whores who didn’t care that my husband was married when they sent their messages and their pictures to him. I hate that to them sex is just for fun. I hate that they think sending dirty messages is just messing around and it doesn’t mean anything. Am I the only person who thinks that this stuff matters? Who thinks that sex is this hugely emotional thing that’s about love and trust? Maybe I’m too old-fashioned. Maybe I’m too naive.

Or maybe I’m just plain stupid.

I must be so worthless. I must be so ugly.

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13 thoughts on “Worthless and So, So Ugly

  1. I’m absolutely shocked reading this – I am so sorry this is happening to you. You’re not stupid. You’re not worthless. And I’ll bet you’re not ugly. It’s not a matter of deserving it; why jump to the conclusion that you’re to blame for his appalling misbehaviour and lack of respect?

    If you’re old fashioned for the things you expect as a level of decency, then I must be too. All the stuff you mentioned DOES matter in most circumstances.

    I don’t think there’s anything much I can say or do to help here, but I really want you to know again that you’re not worthless. You demonstrate that on your blog all the time. If you need to vent, or air thoughts/ideas, and you don’t want to share it on your blog, you’re welcome to email me.

    *HUGS*

    • Thankyou for the comment. Depression sucks because it adds to what is already pretty overwhelming emotion. I was in a really low place when I wrote this (can you tell? Haha). But I feel deep down like we can work through it. I know he loves me. It’s just going to be tough

      • Okay, that’s probably a good sign if something is telling you this can be worked through. I hope you’re right, and that it strengthens the bond between you two in the end. You deserve happiness

  2. Oh honey I’m so sorry! It’s not your fault. There’s nothing old-fashioned about demanding respect. Hang in there. You are not worthless and you are not at fault! If he wants to work it out and leave these mistakes behind you both, it’s up to you to decide if you want to. You had no power over his actions, but you do have a say in where you go from here. No one deserves to feel this way.

    • Thankyou. I do want to make this work, and I do feel he loves me. I hope if we both try we can put it behind us and overcome it. I’m not perfect and neither is he, neither is anyone. I guess marriage isn’t always easy, but I’m sure if we get through it it’ll be worth it

  3. I am so sorry this happened to you. I know this post is weeks old now, but I hope you’ve realized you ARE beautiful, and his actions are on him, not you. He needs to step up and take full responsibility and take the steps to becoming a better husband. Whatever you decide to do, leave or stay, don’t settle for less than what you deserve from here on out!

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