Today I’ve felt fairly low. It started this morning when I checked Facebook and discovered that my old high school friendship group had had a party for one of their 21st birthdays, and they didn’t invite me. They’ve had get-togethers in the past without inviting me and that’s hurt my feelings, but this time it was even worse because they’d invited people who weren’t even all that close to us. I mean, we were all friends, but I felt like I was closer to some of them than the others were.
Maybe it’s pride, but I feel really upset about this. I was best friends with a couple of these people, and I know we’re all in different places doing different things now, but I feel like they’ve just phased me out of the group. It sucks. I feel so rubbish. And then I feel stupid for allowing it to make me feel so rubbish.
Honestly, I wouldn’t have gone anyway if I had been invited, I know that. Anxiety and depression have turned me into a complete introvert with a whole host of insecurities. I’d have been freaked out by the idea of going. But still, an invite would have been nice. Some acknowledgment of our years of high school and college together that formed what I thought were deep friendships. Whatever.
I just feel so isolated. I’ve been living here for two years and I only have a handful of people here I can call friends. I never go out. I never socialise. If I feel brave enough to go to church I keep to myself, panic if people try to talk to me, and we leave as quickly as possible afterwards. My husband is my best friend now, and while that’s good it also means neither of us really feel the need to hang out with other people. Which just adds to our introverted nature and crappy social lives. If I’m in a panic or feeling low there are literally just 3 or 4 people I feel like I could ask for help if I need it. I’m such a loner.
I’m 21, I feel like I should be socialising a lot. In my teenage years, before the depression got debilitating, I went out with friends pretty often and loved it. But now… my days are spent stuck indoors with only a baby and a 3 year old for company. I love them but they stress me out and hardly provide intelligent conversation.
I must be such a sorry excuse for a young woman.