The Rollercoaster of the Past Few Days

A few days ago I started communicating with my Mum again. We exchanged a few messages, had a few short conversations. It went well; we didn’t go into anything deeply, but it wasn’t superficial either which was good. It got to the point where I was just missing her so much and the relationship we had. I missed having a mother I could go to about problems with my children. Of course, my relationship with her isn’t back there yet, if it will ever be the same again. But it is better than it was. At least we’re communicating again. That’s better than nothing, right?

I’d been considering messaging her for a little while before I actually got up the courage to do it, and one of the main reasons I did find the courage to do it is something my three year old daughter said. She was talking (in her own way) about crying, I can’t remember exactly what. But then suddenly, looking at me with a very serious expression on her face, she said “Nana cry”. Suffice it to say I was stuck for words for a few moments. I’m a firm believer that children can sense things adults can’t, that they’re more in tune with emotions etc. So when my little girl said those words I thought to myself, what if my Mum is sad? She’s probably lonely. I should probably get in touch. So I did.

It so happened that my Mum was having a difficult day and said she didn’t feel able to speak with me because she was too fragile, but maybe the next day she could. We expressed our love for each other and that conversation ended there. The next day I messaged her again and we had a short interchange. It was scary and it felt weird because we’d been not talking for so long, but it was wonderful as well just to be talking again.

So, you may be thinking, ‘why the heck have all your recent blog posts been negative? Sounds pretty positive stuff to me!’ And you’d be right. It has been positive, but it’s also been incredibly emotionally draining. It’s left me so fragile. My Mum’s been a trigger for my anxiety for so long now and so my body reacted to the communication. Hopefully if I keep the contact with her going then my anxiety will level out again until she’s no longer triggering for me. But I guess only time will tell. Fingers crossed!

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