Hypocrisy

Life is fragile, and family is important. My goodness, I feel like such a hypocrite.

I’ve been aware of multiple family feuds in my time. Some within my own family, some in my husband’s, some among people I know. And every time without fail, I’ve been so critical of those people involved. I’ve felt so superior, and like it’s stupid to go years without speaking to someone. I think family is important, and life could be over at any given moment, so we need to make the most of every second we have. Living with regrets over things we should have said or done is horrible and, I used to think, avoidable.

Boy have I been taught a lesson.

I’ve learned not to judge others because you have no idea what they’re going through. I haven’t spoken to my Mum in a while because it triggers my anxiety. When my family ask whether I’ve spoken to her lately, I can list reason after reason for why my choice to steer clear is justified. But really, the answer is simple; no, I haven’t spoken to her lately. I’ve chosen not to. And it could easily continue this way unless I do something about it. In my situation, not talking to my mother is the easy option, and it’s what I’m choosing. But if I’m so justified, why do I feel the need to spout a list of excuses when anyone asks? Why do I feel guilty?

I think I’ve realised that I am becoming the very person I used to pity and judge.  I’m allowing something to come between myself and my Mum, and I’m not changing. I used to look at people and wonder how they could do it, how they could sleep at night knowing it’s in their power to make it right. I used to mentally label those people as being too proud to apologise or admit fault.

I was so arrogant to think that way. So cruel. So incredibly naive.

Now I know that it’s not as simple as black and white. I love and miss my Mum so much, but I’m too frightened to communicate with her. I’m terrified of the effect it will have on me emotionally. So I’m ashamed to say that I’m choosing the easy option.

Hopefully one day I’ll be brave enough to choose something else.

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