The Toxicity of Hate and Blame

I wonder if having someone to blame helps or hinders.

I feel like the reason my anxiety and depression is as severe as it is right now is my mother. I blame her. And at times, I hate her. I hate her when I’m so overwhelmed by life that I want to cease existing. I hate her when life terrifies me so much that I beg my husband to stay off work. I hate her when I feel completely incapable of being a mother. I hate her when my depression gives me low thoughts about myself. I hate her when I start panicking about a little thing. I hate her when my depression makes me hate the world and my life and my children.

I don’t like having so much anger and hate in me. I don’t like feeling like this. I don’t want to become embittered and cynical. I don’t want to become so hate-filled that people start to avoid me and refer to me as ‘a cruel, pitiful person’.

But what can I do? I blame her for the way I am, and because I hate the way I am I hate her for her part in it.

About thirteen years ago, when I was eight, my Mum’s parents separated. It tore her apart. Her mother was unfaithful to her father and refused to discuss it all with my Mum or give her the answers and closure she desperately needed. From then, my Mum sort of spiralled downwards, and I think it’s a big factor in who she’s become today, and in the affair she had and the choice she’s made to separate from my Dad. Part of her struggle over these past years has been bulimia. As far as I know she’s overcome it now, but she struggled for years in secret and alone.

With this in mind, I feel even more angry towards her for her choices and the way she’s acting now. She knows what it feels like to watch her parents separate. She knows how much that messes you up. And she knows from experience that the whole thing seriously damaged her mentally. So why is she doing the same to her children now, knowing how potentially destructive it could be? Why is she being so selfish? Why is she so utterly blind to our feelings? My siblings have been so affected by this and I worry for them so much. But I worry for me too, because out of my siblings I am the only one who already had mental issues when our world was blown apart. What is this going to do to me? I’m terrified of what the future holds. I’m terrified of each day. My anxiety and depression have worsened significantly since this whole thing has been going on, and it’s killing me.

I want to be better. I want to heal. I want to forgive her.

But how can I? It’s her fault that I’m so messed up. It’s her fault every time I hurt myself or shout at my children. Isn’t it?

Maybe not. I don’t know anymore. My view of reality is so distorted.

I hate her, but I love her. And that’s why this hurts so much.

6 thoughts on “The Toxicity of Hate and Blame

  1. I went through similar issues as far as blaming my mother went. The hardest thing for me to do was and still is separating my issues from my issues with my mother. As true as it is that she caused all my pain, blaming her wasn’t helping me heal. My therapist basically told me, “you have to accept your mother for who she is, even if you think she’s a horrible person. You have to leave the idea of her changing behind and focus solely on your own progress. Only then can you even start to heal.” It’s been a really rocky process, but when I decided to just push my mom away and stop holding my breath for her to shape up, I really was able to change my perspectives and start to heal. When it comes down to it, blame is a type of coping mechanism, allowing us to feel the way we do without having to take the action we need to. It fogs our brains and makes us do things we may regret later. I’m not saying you should forgive her, because that’s an entirely different concept, but accepting that she’s a hurtful person, guarding yourself, and moving forward might be what you need. My heart aches for you in all the pain you’re experiencing. Stay strong!!

    • Thankyou so much, what you’re saying makes so much sense to me. I know blaming her isn’t helping me, and I get what you’re saying about it being a coping mechanism. I think it totally is a coping mechanism, because it means I can direct my anger at her rather inward at myself. I hope one day I can accept who she is now, it’s just so hard because I want her to go back to how she used to be

  2. It breaks my heart you are going through this. I know this easier said than done, but you have to learn early on that who you are, sure is shaped by your parents. But who you truly become and what you allow to break you down is in your control. Push away the negative – Even if it means pushing away your mother for a while so you can step back and take care of yourself. You are the most important person right now. You control how your children will be shaped. You saw how your mother broke and repeated the problems of her mother. You can stop the cycle. You can choose happiness. You just have to push out all that doesn’t fit in there. Like I said, easier said than done!

    • Easier said than done is right! I desperately don’t want to repeat the cycle, but I’m terrified I might. I’m scared I might not have a choice, as silly as that sounds. I’m scared I might one day cause my children the pain I’m feeling now and that breaks my heart. I’m trying to give myself space right now and not communicate with my Mum until I perhaps feel more able to, but I miss her so it’s hard.

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