I can’t cry.
I’ve tried, but I can’t.
I want to, but I can’t.
What’s wrong with me? I researched it a little and apparently the inability to cry is a symptom of depression, and it can be linked to an increase in the severity of the depression. I don’t understand what’s happening to me and it’s panicking me. It’s like, for ages thinking about my Mum set off my anxiety and I often felt low too. I’ve cried a lot during this whole thing with my parents separating. I’ve gotten lower than I even believed possible.
But now, it’s different. I’m still sad about it, but in a different way. It’s like there’s this barrier in my mind. When I try and think about it much my brain sort of blocks the thoughts off and I’m left feeling sort of detached. I try to think of how sad it makes me, but I can’t. The thoughts won’t form properly in my mind.
I’m worried that I’m bottling it all in. I must be feeling something. My parents are likely to get divorced. I feel like I don’t have a mother anymore. She’s a stranger to me. I think about these things and tension will form in my stomach, sometimes I’ll even feel the tears begin but then, quite suddenly, it just stops. The tension, the sadness, the panic, whatever I’m feeling just stops and I’m just calm.
Now, being calm isn’t a bad thing. But it’s scaring me because it’s not me. It’s not normal. I can’t cry. I’m scared that if I don’t let it out soon, one day I’ll just have a massive panic attack or breakdown, and I really don’t want that. I also have this feeling that something bad will happen, that it’s inevitable. I feel like my parents’ separation has affected me deeply in ways I haven’t seen yet. I’m scared that if I can’t cry, I’ll find another outlet. Like an eating disorder. Or a drinking problem. Or self-harm. Or a suicide attempt. I’m scared I’ll hurt someone I love. Or that I’ll leave home. Or that I’ll say something I’ll regret.
I want to cry so badly, because to me crying is a release. When I cry, my feelings spill out in a torrent of words and sometimes it helps me make sense of something I didn’t understand before. Crying helps. It hurts, but afterwards the build up of tension is alleviated somewhat.
It sounds stupid, but I’m so desperate for this that I’ve asked my husband to make me cry. I’ve asked him to tell me he wants to leave me or something equally emotionally evocative. But he won’t, because he loves me. I’m at such a loss. I’m going to see my doctor and hope she has some advice.
I’ve been wanting to write about this for a few days but I’ve been frightened to. I’m feeling frightened now. I don’t know why.