I feel lost. I’m just drifting through life but I don’t know why and I don’t know where I’m going. I don’t even know who I am.
There are so many voices in my head and I can’t tell what’s rational and what’s not, what’s truth and what’s anxiety.
I don’t trust anyone and it’s not fair. It’s not fair on them and it’s not fair on me. I try to believe that I’m loved, but there’s always this part of me that tells me I’m not. It tells me I’m not even lovable. It tells me it’s only a matter of time before my husband’s leaves me because he’ll see what I truly am. It tells me my children will grow up to not love me or want me in their lives. It tells me I’m destined to be alone because that’s who I am. And it tells me people lie because that’s just what they do.
I’m terrified of the future because I think all it holds for me is more pain. I’m so in love with my husband, but I’m dreading the day he will break my heart. I love my children so incredibly much, but I fear that one day they won’t love me anymore.
I hate that I’m like this and I hate my mother for doing this to me. Is it possible to love and hate someone at the same time? Because that’s how I feel about her. I love her so much but she’s breaking my heart. Why is she doing this? Why is she choosing to turn her back on us? Why has she left my Dad? Why is she so blind to the pain my siblings and I feel? Why is this happening?
I hate it I hate it I hate it so much.
It’s turned me into this thing, this wretch of a human being who can’t trust anyone. This broken girl who looks in the mirror and loathes what she sees. I look at my reflection and I want to smash that mirror until it’s all distorted. Maybe then it will reflect what I truly feel inside.
I want to scream and cry and rage and let everything out until I’m empty of this agony.
All I want is to be able to trust people. I want to trust my husband. But I can’t. I hate it.
I’m just so lost.