So I haven’t posted in a few days, mainly because my husband’s been off work this week and he will be next week as well, so having him around has been a pleasant distraction from the norm. It’s been wonderful having him at home, especially as his holiday has included our anniversary (last Monday) and it will include my birthday (tomorrow). It’s lovely spending these two occasions with him. Having him here has also enabled us to toilet train our three year old which is such a weight off my mind. She’s still struggling a little with some aspects of it but she’s come so far in just a few days. I’m confident that she’ll be trained by the time my husband goes back to work, and even if she isn’t I feel like I’ll be able to handle it.
He really is my best friend and I don’t know what I’d do without him. Life is difficult for me at the moment and I can’t express adequately the depth of my gratitude to him for sticking by me even when the going is tough. He’s a hero in my eyes.
This past week has also held some quite important realisations/acceptances for me.
1) I’ve come to accept and be happy in my current place in life. This is huge for me. For so long I’ve felt envious of my high school and college friends who are all graduating with degrees around now. I’ve felt that I’m not happy where I am because I feel like I’m not achieving anything. But this week has brought with it something of an epiphany in that I realised that this is who I am. I am a mother and I am happy to be so. I’m not facing any of the uncertainty I would be if I’d just graduated university. I know where I am and what I am doing. And with my current mental illnesses, I’m grateful for the clarity that gives me and the sense of purpose and continuity.
2) I feel more confident in myself than I used to. I don’t know what it is exactly that’s caused it, but something has just clicked in me. I think it’s a mixture of a blog post I read a few days ago and the constant building up I get from my husband. I’m finally beginning to see myself more positively.
3) I have no idea why, but today I’ve found myself able to counter my regular low thoughts. Instead of voicing them as I usually do, I have often been able to refrain or even say something good about myself instead and it’s had a wondrous effect on both myself and my husband. It wears on him to hear my relentless self-criticism, and so to hear me compliment myself today made him so happy, and that in turn makes me happy.
I’m feeling good right now and I like it. I hope the feeling sticks around!