I’ve hit a wall. I didn’t blog at all yesterday and I don’t know why, except that I don’t feel very much like myself right now. I’m finding it difficult to put words together. I have no idea what I want to say.
I feel like a mess at the moment. There are moments when I absolutely despise myself because I feel like my mother hates me. And I feel like all her selfish choices must somehow be my fault, must somehow be a result of me not measuring up.
I’m trying to swim, but I’m drowning. I can’t keep my head above the surface of this pain and turmoil. I try and put on a brave face, and there are even times when I convince myself that I’m doing okay. But I’m not. The pain is always there just a second away. It never leaves me alone. The thoughts of inadequacy and failure haunt me. I feel like I’m dying inside.
How am I meant to ever get past this? Even if my mother changes and puts everything right, it won’t be the same. I’ll never be able to forget that she chose someone else over her husband and children. I’ll never be whole again.
Sometimes I curse myself for being so vulnerable, for caring too much and setting myself up for such heartbreak. Love causes agony. That’s a fact of life.
I hate this. I wish it wasn’t real.