History and Its Cruelty

Each moment drags. All I want is for this day to be over, but time feels like it’s barely moving.

I feel like such a disappointment to people around me. I feel like everyone expects more of me than I can give. People don’t understand what it’s like to live my life, to be terrified of every day, to want to curl up and disappear at times. When people try to help it makes it worse, and when people don’t try to help it makes it worse. It’s all unfair.

I wonder if I’ll ever be free of this. Is it even possible to recover completely? Surely you’re always susceptible, always more fragile than your average person?

There’s so much pain. It hurts so much. I wish it would stop. What can I do to get rid of it? I’m alone in this house (well, my kids are here but all they do is add to my stress). I feel so isolated. My family are hours away. My husband is working literally all day and it’s unlikely he’ll take a break. If I’m lucky I might get a few texts. Maybe a phone call but I doubt it.

There’s so much I’m meant to be doing. There’s housework to do. I haven’t exercised or showered or anything and it’s 8:45am. I’m meant to be weaning my 8 month old onto solids. I’m meant to be potty training my 3 year old. But I just can’t do it! People expect these things of me, things most people find easy, but they have no idea how much it panics me! People offer their help, and even though I know I need it, it makes me want to scream. I don’t want people giving me advice. I don’t want people thinking that once they show me what to do I’ll be fine. I can’t do this stuff. I’m not cut out to be a mother. Don’t they see that? This isn’t me!

I feel like I’m trapped in a life I don’t know how to live. I feel like I never really had any choice. When I got pregnant with my first, I was only 16. I was stupid and naive. I knew nothing of sex or the mechanics of it. I was just being impulsive and things with my then-boyfriend got out of control. I remember telling him during what might even have been our first time that I didn’t want to get pregnant and his response was ‘it’s a bit late for that’. I feel so angry when I think of it. Because yeah I probably should have been more aware, but come on. This was my first experience of a sexual relationship, I was innocent in every sense of the word. It wasn’t something I could have talked about with my parents because they’d have freaked if they knew what I was doing. So I guess I just expected my boyfriend to be the careful one. He’d had plenty of sexual experience. I feel so angry that he let himself get out of control like that without using any protection. I feel like he just used me selfishly.

Anyway. So for me, abortion or adoption was never an option. I was scared, but excited about my baby. I had no idea how hard it would be. I was just overcome with love for my child.

I left my boyfriend when my little girl was 2 weeks old. The emotional abuse had gotten too much. I finally decided that I deserved better. That we deserved better. So I left. I moved back in with my parents. I went back to college. My Mum looked after my daughter while I was there. Time passed and I restarted a relationship with a past boyfriend. We got married. I knew I wanted more children and it made sense to me to have them close together.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my children and I’m beyond grateful for them. I just feel trapped sometimes. I feel low. I feel like I’ve been forced into a future I wanted, but far earlier than I wanted it. I know it’s my fault for being so naive. I know I need to accept where I am and embrace it. I know I need to focus on my blessings. But it’s hard. Depression makes it hard.

I don’t know why I’ve written so much today. I don’t know what made me delve into my less than glamorous past. It just sort of happened.

I feel so low.

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