Being a Mother

What happens when you lose your mother? I’ve lost mine.

Not to death or disease or distance- to her choices. She’s changed; she’s not my mother anymore. I can’t bring myself to speak with her because it’s too painful. My fear is that communication will confirm to me how far she is from who she used to be. I fear it will leave no space for hope in my mind. I fear it will heighten the agony I already feel when I think of her.

She once taught me that marriage was the most important thing; but now she has turned her back on it. She once taught me that the sacrifices a mother makes for her children are without limit; now she is choosing herself over our needs. She once taught me to be honest; now she is an expert at living a lie, at leading a double life. She once taught me the difference between right and wrong; now she’s breaking all of her own rules.

What do you do when something you thought was solid crumbles into dust before your eyes, and all you can do is stand helpless and watch it happen? How do you recover from having your idea of stability shattered? Can you ever trust again? Can you still believe in all the things you once held faith in?

I love my children. I would do anything for them. Why doesn’t my mother love me like that? Did she once? What on earth made that change? What could change something so innate in me, something so fundamental? The uncertainty terrifies me. I wish I had all the answers. I wish I knew if the answers even exist.

She’s my mother. That’s what keeps rolling through my mind. She’s my mother. But how can she be?

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4 thoughts on “Being a Mother

  1. I’m not sure I can say anything which will help, because this situation with your mother is so raw and painful right now. I don’t have the facts, so what I am going to offer is based on what you have shared. But it sounds to me that your mother loves you very much. I think she did put you first and brought you up to hold some fundamental beliefs. But maybe she had stopped believing in these things for herself. Now that you are an adult, maybe she feels it’s time to pick up her own life. Maybe she felt stifled, and that might be why she seems so reckless now. Maybe she feels she wants to make up for lost time. But she probably feels torn loyalties to others too, so lives a double life. I hope I haven’t misunderstood and caused you more hurt.

  2. WOW I can really relate to this. I have been estranged from my mother for 10 years all because of her life choices and how much she has hurt me in the past. It took me a l-o-n-g time, but I have finally grieved the fact I never really had a mother, and I never will. It’s a hard place to be.
    I am sorry you are having a hard time, but I guarantee you won’t make the same mistakes with your children because you know how it feels. Hang in there!

    • Thankyou. I really hope I don’t go the same way, it’s hard to believe that though because my Mum’s mother did exactly the same thing as well! Sometimes I feel like I’m doomed. And it hurts so much more because I know my Mum knows how I feel but she’s turning a blind eye to it. Hopefully one day I can have the closure you’ve received. Thankyou for your concern for me

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