I chatted to one of my sisters today on the phone, and it’s helped me so much. We’re all going through so much at the moment with my parents’ separation and I find that talking to my siblings helps me a lot. They get it. They’re going through it too. We’re all messed up together. And, sure, we’re all dealing with it very differently, we’re all on our own journey, but that doesn’t mean we can’t empathise with each other.
I’m so grateful for my wonderful sisters, my wonderful brother and my wonderful father. I know we’re all just surviving our own unique yet similar form of agony right now. Ever since it all started over a year ago, ever since my Mum was caught out having her affair, we’ve been through hell together. But we’re surviving. And I guess that in itself is enough. Some days we feel something like hope in our lives, and some days it just sucks and that’s it. But at least we’re not alone. Sometimes I feel so isolated living halfway across the country from all of them, but I’m never really alone. They’re all a phone call or a text away.
My husband has been so supportive during this. He’s weathered every twist and turn my anxiety/depression has taken. He’s been so patient with me. He’s been so understanding of the intense insecurities that have plagued me because of what my Mum has done. Sometimes those insecurities are me feeling that our marriage is doomed because my parents used to be such a rock in my life. And sometimes he puts up with my accusations and lack of trust in him and his fidelity, even though I can’t imagine how painful that must be for him. I just struggle with it sometimes. Having experienced infidelity in a past relationship that left me scarred, and now dealing with what feels like a betrayal from my own mother who doesn’t seem to want me anymore… It’s all just messed up my idea of what love means. Sometimes I feel so worthless that I don’t see how my husband would ever want me. Sometimes I think he won’t be able to help being unfaithful to me because there must be something wrong with me if I’m not good enough for the woman who gave birth to me.
All these feelings are so deep and come so intensely sometimes. And I’m just so immensely grateful that he is still there for me no matter what. I’m so blessed to have him.
That’s what love really means.