Exhaustion and Fear and Feeling Surprisingly Okay

I’m so exhausted. I can’t stand it. I hate the effect emotional strain has on me. I hate that after intense stress my body pretty much gives up any pretense of strength.

I tried to exercise this morning and I felt so wiped out that I had to work at a fraction of my normal level. It makes me feel rubbish. And it makes me worry about what’s going on inside of me. They call anxiety and depression mental illnesses, but they affect so much more than just the mind. They affect everything. They creep into every little aspect of your life and leave their mark there. They leave you feeling powerless and worthless.

It sucks.

Today isn’t going so bad though, other than the fact that I have no energy and I feel fragile. I’m glad to have my daughter back. I’ve missed her. Both my children are being fairly well behaved today. I got a decent amount of sleep. Things are good, relatively speaking. They could be a heck of a lot worse.

Yesterday I had to have a bit of a confrontation with someone, a bit of a disagreement. I was terrified beforehand and so incredibly tense. My stomach was knotted so painfully. But during it I was okay. I felt like I was shaking inside, but I don’t think it was noticeable. I was able to be calm and firm and composed. I wasn’t intimidated. I feel quite happy with how it went. Today I’m trying to just put it out of my mind and not think about it again until I have to. Dwelling on it would serve no purpose other than to make me tense.

Fear is a powerful thing. It’s anxiety’s most potent weapon. It can be so all-consuming that escape can seem impossible. But it’s not.

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