Depressed

Sometimes I think human beings are pitiful. We’re all just scraping by, perpetually searching for that elusive ‘happiness’, trying and failing to make sense of the world.

I see it everywhere. Facebook, Pinterest, the news. Isn’t it all a bit pathetic?

I mean, no offense to anyone. I include myself in my judgment. And I’m aware that I’m in a low place so this is just depression speaking blah blah blah. I get that. But just let me have this moment to wallow, okay?

Sometimes I feel like giving up. I try so hard. Each day is so tough. And what for? What do I achieve? How does life reward me? Just more days of pain and pessimism. It sucks. And it feels so unfair. Bad things happen to good people. I know so many good people who’ve been through hell because that’s what life decides to throw their way. It’s cruel, and it sucks.

Days like today, for example. I felt so low this morning, so incapable of the day ahead. I felt terrified of it. And I felt so incredibly lonely. I knew I’d be facing it alone. But I’ve tried. I’ve done some good things. I’ve achieved some things I should feel proud of. But do I? Not really. I feel rubbish and I hate myself as much as always. Why? Because I haven’t done everything right today. I’ve acted in ways I regret, and that’s what colours my opinion of myself today. Forget the positive stuff. That’s pretty much insignificant to me right now. All I see when I look in the mirror is a failure.

That’s it.

And I feel like that’s all I’ll ever be. I’ll never amount to anything. The best I can hope for is to get my kids through each day alive and relatively happy, until the day comes when they don’t need me anymore. Until I send them out into the world alone to experience all the pain and heartbreak for themselves. Sometimes I feel guilty for having children, because I’ve brought them into such a dark world.

Anyway. Anyone reading this should just ignore it. I’m feeling rubbish and I’m likely talking rubbish too. I know that when this low mood passes I’ll probably regret going off on one like this. But whatever. Hiding how I feel wouldn’t help either so I’m glad I’ve let it out.

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