Today has been a low day. My Mum contacted me a few days ago for the first time in a while, and although it sounds awful, I wish she hadn’t.
Many of her choices of late have been very painful and very damaging to me. Not too long ago I noticed a pattern developing, in that whenever she texted me I would shortly afterwards have some kind of meltdown. It was very difficult for me, because I’d often be getting to a more positive place and then suddenly, out of the blue, I’d get this message from her and it would send me spiralling back downwards again. The same thing happened this time. I’d just gotten to a stage where I felt I might be able to invite her over again (it’s been a really long time) but now I feel incapable again. It’s not like her text the other day was unkind; it’s just that any communication from her sets off an anxiety reaction in me.
I feel like I can’t handle it anymore. I need to be able to look after my kids. I can’t deal with feeling so fragile, so close to panicking. And it’s so cruel because when I start feeling good about things again, she barges back into my life and messes me up emotionally. Maybe I’m being unkind. But I feel like I need to put myself first here; or, more specifically, I need to make sure I’m well enough mentally to provide the care my young children need on a day to day basis. My husband works full time, so their nurturing falls mainly to me during the day. Is it wrong to just want some space? A break from the cycle of pain and panic?
My Mum’s done some pretty bad things over the past couple of years. She’s torn my family apart, and all seemingly without much concern for anyone’s feelings except hers. And yet the irony is I’m worried about hurting her feelings. I don’t want to tell her to give me space because I’m afraid she’ll be upset by that. How backwards is that?!
I just don’t want any of this anymore. I want all the pain to just get lost for a little while so I can regain my footing in life. I feel like most days it’s all I can do to keep my head above water. Now, on days like this one, I feel like I’m drowning. And all because of a text.