So…I managed to make the phone call! (The one I wrote about yesterday, see ‘Fear of the Phone’). It was scary but it went okay. Afterwards I felt strangely calm about it even though my husband was stressed about the way it had gone. Then I started feeling guilty for causing my husband such stress, but he reassured me it wasn’t my fault. And then a few minutes ago, I started panicking. I’m actually writing this blog post right now to calm myself down and ward off the panic. I don’t much fancy having a panic attack right now.
It seems that this is the way things work with me, and I wonder why that is. I tend to deal okay with stressful things in the moment, but then later the reality of it hits me and my anxiety starts working on me. It’s happened many times before. For example, I remember an experience where I was told some potentially distressing information, information that was very sensitive and could easily have played on insecurities I have. But in the moment, I reacted calmly, and my primary concern was for the wellbeing of the person giving me the information (they were upset). It wasn’t until later that suddenly my emotions went crazy and I got really insecure and low about it. I wonder if this is typical of anxiety or if it’s just me.
I suppose it helps that I know my anxiety well enough by now to predict that certain events will likely distress me at a later point, so that I can try to prevent/ease it slightly. But in reality, anxiety just sucks. Sometimes knowing something might panic me later just leads to fear of that reaction, and let’s face it, who needs more fear in their lives?
So anyway. This phone call went okay. I’m glad I did it. I’m glad it’s out of the way. I think in the long term it could help improve communication between me and the other individual.
But anxiety sucks.