Phone calls terrify me. I’ve been nervous about making calls for years. I much prefer texting, even though I don’t like that much either as it’s so easy to misunderstand/be misunderstood via text. But I fear phone calls so much.
There’s this call I was meant to make last week but every time I think of it I get panicky. I keep imagining all the many ways it could go wrong and become hostile, and I hate hostility. If I could be positive the conversation would go smoothly then it would be easier, but I can’t. The person I’m meant to call is unpredictable; sometimes he’s happy and polite but other times he’s rude and unkind and deliberately contentious. Not knowing what mood I’ll catch him in kills me. I hate dreading something so much. And I know I just need to get it over with, but I feel physically incapable. It’s like there’s this barrier in my head that I can’t get around.
And the thing is, every day that I don’t do it the anxiety gets worse, because as I said I was meant to make this call last week and I fear my delay will put him in a bad mood that will get worse as the days go by. There’s not even someone who can realistically make this call for me. It’s got to be me. And I hate that. I hate feeling so trapped, so backed into a corner by something terrifying. It’s like a nightmare that won’t leave me alone. It’s always there in the back of my mind, taunting me and reminding me how weak I am and how crippling my anxiety is.
Well, I need to make this call. I don’t have much choice. So at some point I’m going to have to kick anxiety’s butt and find the courage to do it. Wish me luck!