Colour and Greyness

The world is grey, the world is colourful. The world is bleak, the world is bright. The world is terrifying, the world is exhilarating. The world is cruel, the world is beautiful.

Suffering with anxiety and depression means that in the space of a few hours, I can feel all of these things. One second I can feel geared up and ready for the day, but then suddenly, with no warning, I can descend into a downward spiral of crippling fear. One second the world is colourful, the next it’s grey.

I think in terms of colour often. For me it’s an accurate metaphor for how I see life- as either a dazzling array of bright and uplifting colours, or as a bleak landscape of nothing but lifeless, hopeless, grey. Sometimes I can have days in a row of colour or days of grey. Sometimes my mood shifts what feels like a hundred times in an hour. Last night I had mood swings like this, and it really took it out of me, because my negative mood was very intense and dark. I got angry easily, I panicked a lot, and I said things I didn’t mean. Then I calmed down and regretted the bad things I’d said. And the cycle continued.

It makes me feel hopeless, because I can’t predict when my mood will shift. And when the world is grey I don’t feel like it will ever become bright again, until it does and then it’s such a relief.

I guess the trick when I’m in a low mood is to accept it and let it happen, but that’s about a million times easier said than done. I’ll have to keep trying. Because I suppose the silver lining on this cloud is that experiencing the bleak and grey makes us appreciate the bright and colourful that much more.

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